

Wow, something mustapos;ve bitten me for me to be writing 2 entries so close together.
I just needed to rant. So here goes.
I feel so guilty all of a sudden. I feel like I owe it to Evonne and Carl and the rest of the Sears people to be there for them. They have been nothing but amazing to me over the past year and a half, and here we are, with one of us on the verge of dying, and Iapos;m out in Boston doing my own thing. I feel so guilty that everyone else is taking all the burden and Iapos;m here just sitting on my ass studying for mid-terms. I mean, I realise that thereapos;s not much I can do about it, I made the decision to move out here and go back to school before she got sick. But then I start to think, what if she had gotten sick before I decided to move back to Boston? Would it have affected my decision? And, honestly, I donapos;t think it would have. Which makes me feel selfish on top of guilty. And I know that the few people who read this are shaking their heads saying, "Ali, youapos;re not selfish, donapos;t feel guilty, thereapos;s nothing you can do, just be there for them when they need you and be a distraction and a shoulder for them". But everything is always easier said than done.
I donapos;t know how Iapos;m going to handle visiting Evonne when I go down next weekend. We had all these cool plans, and now I feel like I should be spending the majority of time at her bedside, being there for her, like sheapos;s been there for me. This isnapos;t fair, why Evonne? Why now? Why ever??
God, if you wanted to test my faith, well, trust me, you are testing it to the max. Itapos;s hard to believe in anything at all when such a young, vibrant, caring person is suddenly shut down and keeps receiving blow after blow. What on Earth did she EVER do to you? She turned her life around. She made something of herself. She worked her hardest, provided for her family and her friends. She was everyoneapos;s shoulder and everyoneapos;s Angel. Now itapos;s our turn to be hers. They always say itapos;s hardest to watch the strong ones grow weak. And damn, is that true. I canapos;t turn off my brain at night, it just spins with memories of good times and funny moments. Ten times a day I want to pick up my phone and call her just to see how she is, but she canapos;t even talk on the phone. That is cruel God, just plain cruel. I pray and I pray and nothing changes. You played this game with me, but I overcame. Now youapos;re playing it with Evonne. Please God, give her the strength to overcome.
Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto? A deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem Tuus in terra servus nuntius fui officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem (Am I to believe those were the acts of a loving God? A just God? A wise God? To hell with your punishments I was your servant on Earth - I spread Your word and did Your work. To hell with your punishments. To hell with you)
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